1313: Bigfoot Island (2012)
½
this goes 8 and a half minutes walking around
old-growth pacific northwest forest before the first
line of dialogue so its basically an art-house movie.
not good of course but after trying to watch 3 or 4
shitty new horror flix last night i had to give in to
david decoteau again, his movies are always so
cheerful & fun even when theyre about gross/dumb
stuff - this is early 1313 so hes still figuring out
the formula and while this might be the most
"cinematic" of the run the boyz are kinda substandard
next to some of his later hunks. i liked the pov
squatch cam ogling thats obv just david behind the
lens and the twist ending had me rubbin my abs in
shock! all the best bigfoot movies are the ones where
nothing happens so the lazy 1313 style actually works
here instead of being disappointing when its supposed
to be about witches or ufos. i love this guy!!
1313: Giant Killer
Bees! (2011)
"there may be enough bee venom in him to kill a
full grown elephant!!"
how much of decoteau's work is about fear of
breeding/reproduction/eggs?
1313:
UFO Invasion (2012)½
this has more workouts than killer workout and
more sixpacks than 10 quiktrips but its
suprisingly political for a movie where
monique parent (as "some mysterious MILF")
stabs a guy in the dick thru his
tightie-whities. id hail it as radical queer
anti-colonialist agitprop if it was actually,
yknow, any good
24
Exposures (2013)½
gets closer to a zero-budget indie/s.o.v.
take on actual eurogiallo sleaze than all
yr neon amers & berberians by
embracing it in spirit instead of
stylistically - instead of how it looks
its how & where it looks, a gaze
instinctual & dreamlike & way
2horny: jess franco for that weird moment
in obama's 1st term when ppl had flip
phones and iphones in equal measure. yeah
its goofy, sleazy, boring, adam wingard's
facial hair is a crime... but too singular
to dismiss. shot in atlanta!
2 G's & a Key (2000)
thought this might be "funny bad" cuz
the top-billed ALAN SMITHEE credit on
the dvd box but its not bad, just a
standard 'one crazy day' hood-...
comedy? drama?? on the heels of
friday, belly, superfly, etc. has some
fisheye shots, unexpected twists and a
couple of babes smoking weed if yr
into that sorta thing. the guy
credited as smithee is actually the
2nd lead & one of the better
actors but everybody in this is solid,
especially aaron d. spears as a
kingpin with the soundcloud ass name
SAD DOGG - lead conroe brooks (no plan
9) has a kinda twitchy michael ealy
vibe and currently plays george
washington in hamilton, lol. nothing
interesting going on with the music,
which normally makes or breaks movies
like this - its decently shot &
better than youd expect technically
but still got some wiring & boom
mics in the frame. got a laff when,
after shooting a guy, sadd dogg goes
"thats for stealing my cocaine"...
well yeah
31 (2016)½
another robert zombert where
everybody says shit like
"welcome to murder school,
toots. class? well its
ex-fuckin-tremely in session!
fuck-a-doodle-doo." but he
forgot to make em funny
munsters/spider baby psychos
theyre just dull & mean
& graded digital teal with a
boring trendy synth score. i
liked malcolm mcdowell in his
big powdered death race 2050 wig
and the last 5 min after she
made the arthur fist but.. nahh
666:
Kreepy Kerry (2014)½
one of the better 1313s (in
all but name & number) -
kreepy kerry's pitched down
swishahouse
chopped-not-slopped voice
telling dudes "i'll SWALLOW
you...r soul" ("dont worry,
i wasnt gonna kiss you"
"thats a relief" "im just
gonna SUCK your soul
out!!"), darcy demoss (who
had the wile e. coyote RV
face-smash death in JASON
LIVES) turns up as one of
decoteau's many
drunk-seeming middle aged
scream queen house moms and
for once alongside uncut
footage of weightlifting
belly rub underwear parties
(if u dont already know what
im talking about, dont watch
this) theres actually a lil
bit of a spooky plot!! also
the music in the movie is
some not-bad fake friday the
13th shit but check out the
hilarious "christine" rip in
the trailer youtu.be/S7sauRYk6VI
68
Kill (2017) ½
trent "i'm killjoy!"
haaga's idea for a movie
with increasingly
desperate & violent
stakes was better when
it was "broke losers
debased by a rich
asshole"/CHEAP THRILLS
& not this
wannabe-afterhours
bitchez b.crazy maniac
pixie dream hooker
shit.. but i love
action/crime movies with
sicko horror elements
and the best of this is
really funny & fresh
& exciting while the
worst feels like - you
guessed it - s. craig
zahler! esp. how the
"real life" tough breaks
feel bland &
unconvincing at its
weakest moments and oh
yeah also its "who, me?"
plausibly-deniable
bigotry - in this case,
coy misogyny. despite
john waters approval im
not crazy about matthew
gray gubler, whose name
sounds like a madballs
ripoff youd buy at the
drugstore & looks
like a skinless,
unseasoned walton
goggins - his passive
softboy protagonist
spends most of the movie
collecting good-boy
points for not being a
complete piece of shit
which is always the most
dull & gutless
possible choice to make
with a character &
you can tell trent "give
killjoy some sugar!"
haaga thinks this sweet,
wimpy dork is the nice
guy he REALLY is after
he sponges off the full
moon greasepaint. still,
anybody who knows me
knows i love movies that
give a shit about money
the way real people do
(=making the huge,
life-changing payoff
$68,000) and this one's
sloppy, sitcommy devil's
rejects vibe never gets
boring or pretentious so
i guess i gotta say
check it out dummies
The 6th
Day (2000)
one of the great
modern b-movies; 5
nacho bananas out of
5.
The
70s Dimension
(2005)
all cut-up
plunderphonix
media art shit
is cool but im
obsessed with
the sinister tab
"mind sticker"
ad in its
original uncut
form youtu.be/uDBJ2ktSZpI
8mm
(1999)
i love this
dumb movie to
death but
watching it
with joel
schumacher
commentary was
a mistake, his
boring
npr-interview
monotone
droning on
& on about
the BOUNTY of
philosophical
meanings
revealed in
his
unintentionally
campy se7en
ripoff was
beyond
intolerable..
at 1 point he
puts himself
in the company
of "john ford,
john huston,
alfred
hitchcock,
walt disney,
and elia
kazan" - not
as influences,
as peers!!
some good nic
cage anecdotes
- apparently
he hates
gossip, which
schumacher
calls "shit du
jour"
90210
Shark Attack
(2015)
aka A Talking
Shark?!?!
a
fat, cheezy
slice of of
trademark 00s
decoteau!
instead of
linnea quigley
or michelle
bauer we get a
grizzled donna
wilkes from
jaws 2 camping
it up saying
shit like "all
i know about
the ocean is
she guards her
secrets
well..." in a
house of
endless
ab-rubbing
&
hip/torso
shots inspired
by d'angelo's
untitled
video. the
score veers
from cutesy
richard band
licks &
trendy
carpenter-esque
synthpads to
generic
triphop cues
bought from
the same
company that
provides
beverly hills
stock footage
for every
exterior shot
in the movie.
theres also a
cgi shark that
looks like the
3d hologram
from back to
the future 2.
this actually
has a really
dope
concept/premise
(designed
around "how do
u make a
killer shark
movie entirely
inside a
house") but of
course the
execution is
hilariously
lame. i liked
all the dumb
twists and
appealingly
offkilter lead
(a horny jock
calls her a
"nerdling")
and it has
enough of
decoteau's
goofy charm to
wish this was
made in 1991
w/ brinke
stevens &
some john carl
buechler shark
puppets
976-EVIL
(1988) ½
Jenny Jones I
Traded The
GEEK LOOK for
the FREAK
LOOK! the
"powers that
be" dont want
you to know
about this
(insanely fun
movie)
Abduction
(2017) ½
maybe cuz im
not a brit
this alleged
sf-comedy is
one of the
most baffling
& surreal
things i saw
last year. is
it a satire??
its def not
the wisecracky
troma-wannabe
i expected -
more a kook
w/a camcorder
half-remembering
whats in xtro
& under
the skin, the
intrusion of
glowing
prisms,
centipedes,
prego-terror
& severed
dicks into the
drab rural
setting coming
off
funny-strange
instead of
funny-haha.
70% is the
worst kind of
boring/unwatchable
homemade crap
(made by, i
think,
real-deal
new-agers,
like beyond
lemuria) but
the remaining
30% reaches
carly jae
sukenick
levels of
accidental/incomprehensible
art, so... you
know what to
do
Abominable
(2006) ½
acceptable/ok
if you go in
expecting
snowbound
early 00s
slasher and
not
"combs+henriksen's
wild bigfoot
hunt! !"
promised by
the dvd box -
this is
essentially
BLOODY MURDER
III: YETI
MOORHOUSE
(even got
tiffany
shepis!) with
a mean-muggin
squatch who
kinda looks
like cellar
dweller &
a goofy rear
window premise
that allows
for 95% of it
to be shot in
one
bedroom/stairwell,
but like the
findster laid
out in his
review* theres
a steamy
overlit
"grained
glaze" to the
whole thing
that kept me
absorbed even
tho im less
& less
tolerant of
propaganda
about evil
psycho killer
bigfoots *letterboxd.com/jawclick/film/abominable/
Accidental
Exorcist
(2016)
ignore that
poster &
go in icecold
cuz i really
really dug
this EXCEPT
for all the
cutesy
doucheshitting-cocksmothering-fucknozzle
joke dialogue
- only a
couple scenes
but familiar
wordy
swearing/ironic/lowkey
gay jokes /
"smells like a
burger king
toilet barfed
on a baby!!!!"
jokes are for
2007 rob
schneider
comedies and
like, archer
(surprised
they missed "i
just threw up
in my mouth a
little") not
something as
genuinely
scary, weird,
interesting
&
unpredictable
as everything
else in this
movie. i know
yall love rob
zombie &
lloyd kaufman
but PLZ stop
this shit.
anyway besides
that u should
watch this
movie i wont
say anything
else but its
no joke one of
the best
horror flix of
2016
The
Acid Sorcerer
(2017) ½
Closing
The Casket
of
Morality's
Esctacy
$25
acne-scarred
psychotroid
scuzz from the
s.o.v.
wastezone,
camcorder'd in
hullucinogenic
b&w,
sacred sleaz
and garboe
juice for a
dead
generation.
Actium
Maximus (2005)
½
incomprehensible
texxture
transmissions
from the
reptazoid
slim.e.
dimension...
impossible to
follow, but
for me,
impossible to
dislike. ask
your doctor if
actium is
right for you
Adrenochrome
(2018)
im a sucker
for movies
made by
wide-eyed
hicks who cant
believe how
cool 'n crazy
L.A. is
like--wow!
surfer babes
selling drugs
on venice
beach! the
hollywood
sign! vasquez
rocks!--cuz im
basically the
same way. this
feels like one
of those
cheapsleaze
cash-ins from
the mid 60s
where its obv
a square from
the "straight
community"
ripping off
genuine
originals like
russ meyer but
still weird
enough to
eventually get
a 2002
something-weird
dvd release
(maybe a
2pack?) but on
VOD so instead
of wannabe
faster-pussycats
we get
writer/director/star/actual
iraq war vet
(?) trevor
simms, the
most "los
feliz
bartender mad
yr asking if
he ever did
gay for
pay"-looking
dude of all
time, druggily
ripping off
pulp fiction
& fear and
loathing in a
try-hard
embarrassing
peyote-bro way
thats still
kinda cool to
me, esp. with
enough $$$ to
afford good
locations
& gore,
tom sizemore
(who's
starting to
look like
wallace shawn)
and licensing
one of those
"federale"
songs, ana
lily
amirpour-style
less infowars
or rogan than
gilliam's
gonzo
thompson-via-depp
& despite
the retitling
its more q.t.
than #q (both
miserlou &
the
ironside/808
mafia siren
show up with
larry bishop
playing his
character from
kill bill) cut
thru nuggs of
inspo from
other weedman
dvd library
favs like holy
mountain,
southland
tales, NBK-era
stone, (a
closeted)
araki, and
robts
rodriguez
& zombert,
all filtered
thru a legit
normie-outsider
perspective
(=waiter-slash-screenwriter)
that goes down
more like a
2010s troma
acquisition or
tacky-psychedelic
grindhouse
throwback sold
on ron bonk's
SRS cinema
alongside
HOUSE SHARK
and MS.
CANNIBAL
HOLOCAUST.
sorry nerds
this is still
better than
under the
silver lake
(or franco's
similar
trippy-hollyweird
thing) hitting
the same
themes while
objectifying
what seems
like an
endless parade
of giggling
naked women
(inc. full
moon
trumper/evil
bonger/actual
nazi mindy
robinson)
leading to a p
cool shot
where clouds
off the coast
of malibu form
what looks
exactly like a
big ole ass,
which i dont
think was vfx
and
just....happened
that day,
"like god
looking down
and winking,
letting you in
on the joke"
(-jose chung)
Adventure
In Telezonia
(1950) ½
an
angry-eyed
bowlegged
marionette
named HANDIE
(??) berates a
young boy
(bobby) for
dialing
numbers before
the tone when
calling around
the
neighborhood
looking for
his lost dog
"bounce" (???)
"if you use
the wrong
number, you
won't get the
person you
want"
i love
anything where
a creepy
sprite drags a
child into
their dream
dimension
&
TELEZONIA does
not disappoint
w/ surreal
phone-based
marionette
village where
everypuppet is
v finicky
about how a
kid should use
a phone
"if people
can't see your
face, they
judge your
manners by
your voice!"
one has a
living,
scowling
bottom
receiver like
freddy's
tongue in NOES
&
according to
bobby one of
the recipients
of this
bizarre phone
party lives on
ELM STREET !!!
"a party
line is like a
tree, and each
family shares
a trunk with
his neighbor"
(??)
bil baird
directed &
his puppet
work is pretty
good - lotsa
personality!
its not
claymation but
i got heavy
gumby vibes
(which debuted
3 yrs later)
& all the
telezonians
look pissed
off all the
time - any one
of em could
carry a gr8
killer doll
flick
"the
operator is
your friend.
remember to be
nice to her.
she's always
nice to you."
watch it on
AT&T's
website techchannel.att.com/embed/index.cfm?mediaID=11053&w=560&h=315
Adventures
in Dinosaur
City (1991) ½
cant believe i
never saw this
as a kid who
desperately
wanted to have
"mad scientist
parents" &
omri katz was
the only
relatable one
of these types
to me, mostly
for MATINEE
and EERIE
INDIANA where
he kinda plays
a pubescent
john a keel. i
remember
seeing the
video box but
as a dino kid
i was hungry
for stuff that
treated them
like serious,
noble animals
not cartoon
farters and
even as a kid
could smell
the desperate
stench wafting
off this stew
of crap from
the previous
decade right
down to the
fake
beetlejuice
score that
kept reminding
me of TERROR
TOONS. check
out that
slogan: "Long
Before There
Were Turtles,
The World Was
Ruled By
Dinosaurs"
just like how
every pathetic
leather-jacketed
sega ad was
like "Sonic?
Mario?
Zangief?
Wussies....
They All Get
Ate Up By
HARRY
HAMSTER....."
(???). the
whole
flintstones
trapped-in-the-tv/stay-tuned
thing is such
a confusing
way to get
these kids in
the same movie
with
dinosaurs,
like how the
t.rex in tammy
& the
t.rex is a
robot. i liked
when omri katz
said he hoped
he'd see
"hobbits,
sandworms,
captain nemo"
instead.
annoying,
confusing, but
tolerable.
extra
half-star for
some
post-apoc/hell
comes to
frogtown vibes
and having an
end credits
rap with synth
orchestra hits
- a moonbeam
version of
this (not
prehysteria)
wouldve kicked
ass After
The Fox (1966)
not v funny
but looks
great, always
something
unsettling/demonic
about peter
sellers Agent
for H.A.R.M.
(1966)
"you think you
cant get hurt
here because
this is
america, apple
pie and all
that jazz?
well my job is
to keep apple
pie on the
table, and
nobody cares
how i do it!"
mild,
mostly house-
and
beach-bound
60s spy...
thriller? with
the guy from
jason takes
manhattan who
looks kinda
like skip
bayless,
notable mostly
for 1.
starring ray
dannis (buss
it wide open
for ray
dannis) as
goateed
bolshevik
"agent manson"
3 years before
the
tate-labianca
murders (plus
the
mansonesque
deathmaster
himself,
robert quarry)
getting
liquified by
2. a
flesh-melting
commie meteor
fungus!
A.I.
187 (2019)
i knew this
would be
(ironically)
dumb as shit
but what am i
gonna do, not
watch a
dumped-on-prime
bomb with a
title that
looks like my
name & a
poster with
lance
henriksen
doing the
?quieries?
meme* *i.ytimg.com/vi/oaW1frpSSQQ/hqdefault.jpg
actually
kinda love the
ugly cd-rom
screensaver
unreality of
this, like the
techn-dreamscapes
of DESPISER or
THE AMAZING
BULK crossed
with RETURN TO
ZORK & a
greenscreened
mtv movie
awards parody
sketch - it
kinda works
for board-room
interiors but
when theyre on
a blurry pier
at sunset its
almost
nauseating.
honestly no
clue what the
whole
fake-deep
concept is
about (i think
its kinda like
a shittier
version of
blumhouse's
upgrade? the
genius
microchip is
actually "i.c.
187"???) but
mostly its
business guys
staring out of
high-rise
windows saying
"i am become
death,
destroyer of
worlds..."
like something
outta that
last
hellraiser
movie
("....charles
dickens...").
lotsa turgid
dystopian
stuff dumb
guys think is
smart,
superficial,
wiki-skimmed
refs to the
apollo program
&
manhattan
project and a
scene where
somebody
proves they
have a 165
i.q. cuz they
"just had a
thesis
published in
TIME MAGAZINE"
(???)
on the
other hand,
theres a part
where lance
henriksen says
"freakin'..."
& a cameo
from MARC
SINGER, who
looks exactly
like gary cole
now - its
pretty cool
for a while
til the 2nd
half where all
the
interesting(-ish)
philosophizing
older actors
get replaced
with bland
action twinks
led by a
boyish dweeb
with a
chinstrap who
does the whole
macgruber
"guns are for
the weak...
guns are for
the stupid..."
thing: "i
thought we
were a think
tank... guns
arent for
thinking..."!
anyway this is
really bad
& also
pretty
watchable even
tho it feels
a.i./pd 187
minutes long
so
another robert zombert where everybody says shit like "welcome to murder school, toots. class? well its ex-fuckin-tremely in session! fuck-a-doodle-doo." but he forgot to make em funny munsters/spider baby psychos theyre just dull & mean & graded digital teal with a boring trendy synth score. i liked malcolm mcdowell in his big powdered death race 2050 wig and the last 5 min after she made the arthur fist but.. nahh
one of the better 1313s (in all but name & number) - kreepy kerry's pitched down swishahouse chopped-not-slopped voice telling dudes "i'll SWALLOW you...r soul" ("dont worry, i wasnt gonna kiss you" "thats a relief" "im just gonna SUCK your soul out!!"), darcy demoss (who had the wile e. coyote RV face-smash death in JASON LIVES) turns up as one of decoteau's many drunk-seeming middle aged scream queen house moms and for once alongside uncut footage of weightlifting belly rub underwear parties (if u dont already know what im talking about, dont watch this) theres actually a lil bit of a spooky plot!! also the music in the movie is some not-bad fake friday the 13th shit but check out the hilarious "christine" rip in the trailer youtu.be/S7sauRYk6VI
trent "i'm killjoy!" haaga's idea for a movie with increasingly desperate & violent stakes was better when it was "broke losers debased by a rich asshole"/CHEAP THRILLS & not this wannabe-afterhours bitchez b.crazy maniac pixie dream hooker shit.. but i love action/crime movies with sicko horror elements and the best of this is really funny & fresh & exciting while the worst feels like - you guessed it - s. craig zahler! esp. how the "real life" tough breaks feel bland & unconvincing at its weakest moments and oh yeah also its "who, me?" plausibly-deniable bigotry - in this case, coy misogyny. despite john waters approval im not crazy about matthew gray gubler, whose name sounds like a madballs ripoff youd buy at the drugstore & looks like a skinless, unseasoned walton goggins - his passive softboy protagonist spends most of the movie collecting good-boy points for not being a complete piece of shit which is always the most dull & gutless possible choice to make with a character & you can tell trent "give killjoy some sugar!" haaga thinks this sweet, wimpy dork is the nice guy he REALLY is after he sponges off the full moon greasepaint. still, anybody who knows me knows i love movies that give a shit about money the way real people do (=making the huge, life-changing payoff $68,000) and this one's sloppy, sitcommy devil's rejects vibe never gets boring or pretentious so i guess i gotta say check it out dummies
one of the great modern b-movies; 5 nacho bananas out of 5.
all cut-up plunderphonix media art shit is cool but im obsessed with the sinister tab "mind sticker" ad in its original uncut form youtu.be/uDBJ2ktSZpI
i love this dumb movie to death but watching it with joel schumacher commentary was a mistake, his boring npr-interview monotone droning on & on about the BOUNTY of philosophical meanings revealed in his unintentionally campy se7en ripoff was beyond intolerable.. at 1 point he puts himself in the company of "john ford, john huston, alfred hitchcock, walt disney, and elia kazan" - not as influences, as peers!! some good nic cage anecdotes - apparently he hates gossip, which schumacher calls "shit du jour"
aka A Talking Shark?!?!
Jenny Jones I Traded The GEEK LOOK for the FREAK LOOK! the "powers that be" dont want you to know about this (insanely fun movie)
maybe cuz im not a brit this alleged sf-comedy is one of the most baffling & surreal things i saw last year. is it a satire?? its def not the wisecracky troma-wannabe i expected - more a kook w/a camcorder half-remembering whats in xtro & under the skin, the intrusion of glowing prisms, centipedes, prego-terror & severed dicks into the drab rural setting coming off funny-strange instead of funny-haha. 70% is the worst kind of boring/unwatchable homemade crap (made by, i think, real-deal new-agers, like beyond lemuria) but the remaining 30% reaches carly jae sukenick levels of accidental/incomprehensible art, so... you know what to do
acceptable/ok if you go in expecting snowbound early 00s slasher and not "combs+henriksen's wild bigfoot hunt! !" promised by the dvd box - this is essentially BLOODY MURDER III: YETI MOORHOUSE (even got tiffany shepis!) with a mean-muggin squatch who kinda looks like cellar dweller & a goofy rear window premise that allows for 95% of it to be shot in one bedroom/stairwell, but like the findster laid out in his review* theres a steamy overlit "grained glaze" to the whole thing that kept me absorbed even tho im less & less tolerant of propaganda about evil psycho killer bigfoots *letterboxd.com/jawclick/film/abominable/
ignore that poster & go in icecold cuz i really really dug this EXCEPT for all the cutesy doucheshitting-cocksmothering-fucknozzle joke dialogue - only a couple scenes but familiar wordy swearing/ironic/lowkey gay jokes / "smells like a burger king toilet barfed on a baby!!!!" jokes are for 2007 rob schneider comedies and like, archer (surprised they missed "i just threw up in my mouth a little") not something as genuinely scary, weird, interesting & unpredictable as everything else in this movie. i know yall love rob zombie & lloyd kaufman but PLZ stop this shit. anyway besides that u should watch this movie i wont say anything else but its no joke one of the best horror flix of 2016
The Casket
of
Morality's
Esctacy
incomprehensible texxture transmissions from the reptazoid slim.e. dimension... impossible to follow, but for me, impossible to dislike. ask your doctor if actium is right for you
im a sucker for movies made by wide-eyed hicks who cant believe how cool 'n crazy L.A. is like--wow! surfer babes selling drugs on venice beach! the hollywood sign! vasquez rocks!--cuz im basically the same way. this feels like one of those cheapsleaze cash-ins from the mid 60s where its obv a square from the "straight community" ripping off genuine originals like russ meyer but still weird enough to eventually get a 2002 something-weird dvd release (maybe a 2pack?) but on VOD so instead of wannabe faster-pussycats we get writer/director/star/actual iraq war vet (?) trevor simms, the most "los feliz bartender mad yr asking if he ever did gay for pay"-looking dude of all time, druggily ripping off pulp fiction & fear and loathing in a try-hard embarrassing peyote-bro way thats still kinda cool to me, esp. with enough $$$ to afford good locations & gore, tom sizemore (who's starting to look like wallace shawn) and licensing one of those "federale" songs, ana lily amirpour-style