1313: Giant Killer Bees! (2011)
"there may be enough bee venom in him to kill a full grown elephant!!"

how much of decoteau's work is about fear of breeding/reproduction/eggs?

1313: UFO Invasion (2012)½
this has more workouts than killer workout and more sixpacks than 10 quiktrips but its suprisingly political for a movie where monique parent (as "some mysterious MILF") stabs a guy in the dick thru his tightie-whities. id hail it as radical queer anti-colonialist agitprop if it was actually, yknow, any good

24 Exposures (2013)½
gets closer to a zero-budget indie/s.o.v. take on actual eurogiallo sleaze than all yr neon amers & berberians by embracing it in spirit instead of stylistically - instead of how it looks its how & where it looks, a gaze instinctual & dreamlike & way 2horny: jess franco for that weird moment in obama's 1st term when ppl had flip phones and iphones in equal measure. yeah its goofy, sleazy, boring, adam wingard's facial hair is a crime... but too singular to dismiss. shot in atlanta!

2 G's & a Key (2000)
thought this might be "funny bad" cuz the top-billed ALAN SMITHEE credit on the dvd box but its not bad, just a standard 'one crazy day' hood-... comedy? drama?? on the heels of friday, belly, superfly, etc. has some fisheye shots, unexpected twists and a couple of babes smoking weed if yr into that sorta thing. the guy credited as smithee is actually the 2nd lead & one of the better actors but everybody in this is solid, especially aaron d. spears as a kingpin with the soundcloud ass name SAD DOGG - lead conroe brooks (no plan 9) has a kinda twitchy michael ealy vibe and currently plays george washington in hamilton, lol. nothing interesting going on with the music, which normally makes or breaks movies like this - its decently shot & better than youd expect technically but still got some wiring & boom mics in the frame. got a laff when, after shooting a guy, sadd dogg goes "thats for stealing my cocaine"... well yeah

31 (2016)½
another robert zombert where everybody says shit like "welcome to murder school, toots. class? well its ex-fuckin-tremely in session! fuck-a-doodle-doo." but he forgot to make em funny munsters/spider baby psychos theyre just dull & mean & graded digital teal with a boring trendy synth score. i liked malcolm mcdowell in his big powdered death race 2050 wig and the last 5 min after she made the arthur fist but.. nahh

666: Kreepy Kerry (2014)½
one of the better 1313s (in all but name & number) - kreepy kerry's pitched down swishahouse chopped-not-slopped voice telling dudes "i'll SWALLOW you...r soul" ("dont worry, i wasnt gonna kiss you" "thats a relief" "im just gonna SUCK your soul out!!"), darcy demoss (who had the wile e. coyote RV face-smash death in JASON LIVES) turns up as one of decoteau's many drunk-seeming middle aged scream queen house moms and for once alongside uncut footage of weightlifting belly rub underwear parties (if u dont already know what im talking about, dont watch this) theres actually a lil bit of a spooky plot!! also the music in the movie is some not-bad fake friday the 13th shit but check out the hilarious "christine" rip in the trailer youtu.be/S7sauRYk6VI

68 Kill (2017) ½
trent "i'm killjoy!" haaga's idea for a movie with increasingly desperate & violent stakes was better when it was "broke losers debased by a rich asshole"/CHEAP THRILLS & not this wannabe-afterhours bitchez b.crazy maniac pixie dream hooker shit.. but i love action/crime movies with sicko horror elements and the best of this is really funny & fresh & exciting while the worst feels like - you guessed it - s. craig zahler! esp. how the "real life" tough breaks feel bland & unconvincing at its weakest moments and oh yeah also its "who, me?" plausibly-deniable bigotry - in this case, coy misogyny. despite john waters approval im not crazy about matthew gray gubler, whose name sounds like a madballs ripoff youd buy at the drugstore & looks like a skinless, unseasoned walton goggins - his passive softboy protagonist spends most of the movie collecting good-boy points for not being a complete piece of shit which is always the most dull & gutless possible choice to make with a character & you can tell trent "give killjoy some sugar!" haaga thinks this sweet, wimpy dork is the nice guy he REALLY is after he sponges off the full moon greasepaint. still, anybody who knows me knows i love movies that give a shit about money the way real people do (=making the huge, life-changing payoff $68,000) and this one's sloppy, sitcommy devil's rejects vibe never gets boring or pretentious so i guess i gotta say check it out dummies

The 6th Day (2000)
one of the great modern b-movies; 5 nacho bananas out of 5.

The 70s Dimension (2005)
all cut-up plunderphonix media art shit is cool but im obsessed with the sinister tab "mind sticker" ad in its original uncut form youtu.be/uDBJ2ktSZpI

8mm (1999)
i love this dumb movie to death but watching it with joel schumacher commentary was a mistake, his boring npr-interview monotone droning on & on about the BOUNTY of philosophical meanings revealed in his unintentionally campy se7en ripoff was beyond intolerable.. at 1 point he puts himself in the company of "john ford, john huston, alfred hitchcock, walt disney, and elia kazan" - not as influences, as peers!! some good nic cage anecdotes - apparently he hates gossip, which schumacher calls "shit du jour"

90210 Shark Attack (2015)
aka A Talking Shark?!?!

a fat, cheezy slice of of trademark 00s decoteau! instead of linnea quigley or michelle bauer we get a grizzled donna wilkes from jaws 2 camping it up saying shit like "all i know about the ocean is she guards her secrets well..." in a house of endless ab-rubbing & hip/torso shots inspired by d'angelo's untitled video. the score veers from cutesy richard band licks & trendy carpenter-esque synthpads to generic triphop cues bought from the same company that provides beverly hills stock footage for every exterior shot in the movie. theres also a cgi shark that looks like the 3d hologram from back to the future 2. this actually has a really dope concept/premise (designed around "how do u make a killer shark movie entirely inside a house") but of course the execution is hilariously lame. i liked all the dumb twists and appealingly offkilter lead (a horny jock calls her a "nerdling") and it has enough of decoteau's goofy charm to wish this was made in 1991 w/ brinke stevens & some john carl buechler shark puppets

976-EVIL (1988) ½
Jenny Jones I Traded The GEEK LOOK for the FREAK LOOK! the "powers that be" dont want you to know about this (insanely fun movie)

Abduction (2017) ½
maybe cuz im not a brit this alleged sf-comedy is one of the most baffling & surreal things i saw last year. is it a satire?? its def not the wisecracky troma-wannabe i expected - more a kook w/a camcorder half-remembering whats in xtro & under the skin, the intrusion of glowing prisms, centipedes, prego-terror & severed dicks into the drab rural setting coming off funny-strange instead of funny-haha. 70% is the worst kind of boring/unwatchable homemade crap (made by, i think, real-deal new-agers, like beyond lemuria) but the remaining 30% reaches carly jae sukenick levels of accidental/incomprehensible art, so... you know what to do

Abominable (2006) ½
acceptable/ok if you go in expecting snowbound early 00s slasher and not "combs+henriksen's wild bigfoot hunt! !" promised by the dvd box - this is essentially BLOODY MURDER III: YETI MOORHOUSE (even got tiffany shepis!) with a mean-muggin squatch who kinda looks like cellar dweller & a goofy rear window premise that allows for 95% of it to be shot in one bedroom/stairwell, but like the findster laid out in his review* theres a steamy overlit "grained glaze" to the whole thing that kept me absorbed even tho im less & less tolerant of propaganda about evil psycho killer bigfoots *letterboxd.com/jawclick/film/abominable/

Accidental Exorcist (2016)
ignore that poster & go in icecold cuz i really really dug this EXCEPT for all the cutesy doucheshitting-cocksmothering-fucknozzle joke dialogue - only a couple scenes but familiar wordy swearing/ironic/lowkey gay jokes / "smells like a burger king toilet barfed on a baby!!!!" jokes are for 2007 rob schneider comedies and like, archer (surprised they missed "i just threw up in my mouth a little") not something as genuinely scary, weird, interesting & unpredictable as everything else in this movie. i know yall love rob zombie & lloyd kaufman but PLZ stop this shit. anyway besides that u should watch this movie i wont say anything else but its no joke one of the best horror flix of 2016

The Acid Sorcerer (2017) ½

Closing
The Casket
of
Morality's
Esctacy

$25 acne-scarred psychotroid scuzz from the s.o.v. wastezone, camcorder'd in hullucinogenic b&w, sacred sleaz and garboe juice for a dead generation.

Actium Maximus (2005) ½
incomprehensible texxture transmissions from the reptazoid slim.e. dimension... impossible to follow, but for me, impossible to dislike. ask your doctor if actium is right for you

Adrenochrome (2018)
im a sucker for movies made by wide-eyed hicks who cant believe how cool 'n crazy L.A. is like--wow! surfer babes selling drugs on venice beach! the hollywood sign! vasquez rocks!--cuz im basically the same way. this feels like one of those cheapsleaze cash-ins from the mid 60s where its obv a square from the "straight community" ripping off genuine originals like russ meyer but still weird enough to eventually get a 2002 something-weird dvd release (maybe a 2pack?) but on VOD so instead of wannabe faster-pussycats we get writer/director/star/actual iraq war vet (?) trevor simms, the most "los feliz bartender mad yr asking if he ever did gay for pay"-looking dude of all time, druggily ripping off pulp fiction & fear and loathing in a try-hard embarrassing peyote-bro way thats still kinda cool to me, esp. with enough $$$ to afford good locations & gore, tom sizemore (who's starting to look like wallace shawn) and licensing one of those "federale" songs, ana lily amirpour-style

less infowars or rogan than gilliam's gonzo thompson-via-depp & despite the retitling its more q.t. than #q (both miserlou & the ironside/808 mafia siren show up with larry bishop playing his character from kill bill) cut thru nuggs of inspo from other weedman dvd library favs like holy mountain, southland tales, NBK-era stone, (a closeted) araki, and robts rodriguez & zombert, all filtered thru a legit normie-outsider perspective (=waiter-slash-screenwriter) that goes down more like a 2010s troma acquisition or tacky-psychedelic grindhouse throwback sold on ron bonk's SRS cinema alongside HOUSE SHARK and MS. CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST. sorry nerds this is still better than under the silver lake (or franco's similar trippy-hollyweird thing) hitting the same themes while objectifying what seems like an endless parade of giggling naked women (inc. full moon trumper/evil bonger/actual nazi mindy robinson) leading to a p cool shot where clouds off the coast of malibu form what looks exactly like a big ole ass, which i dont think was vfx and just....happened that day, "like god looking down and winking, letting you in on the joke" (-jose chung)

Adventure In Telezonia (1950) ½

an angry-eyed bowlegged marionette named HANDIE (??) berates a young boy (bobby) for dialing numbers before the tone when calling around the neighborhood looking for his lost dog "bounce" (???)

"if you use the wrong number, you won't get the person you want"

i love anything where a creepy sprite drags a child into their dream dimension & TELEZONIA does not disappoint w/ surreal phone-based marionette village where everypuppet is v finicky about how a kid should use a phone

"if people can't see your face, they judge your manners by your voice!"

one has a living, scowling bottom receiver like freddy's tongue in NOES & according to bobby one of the recipients of this bizarre phone party lives on ELM STREET !!!

"a party line is like a tree, and each family shares a trunk with his neighbor" (??)

bil baird directed & his puppet work is pretty good - lotsa personality! its not claymation but i got heavy gumby vibes (which debuted 3 yrs later) & all the telezonians look pissed off all the time - any one of em could carry a gr8 killer doll flick

"the operator is your friend. remember to be nice to her. she's always nice to you."

watch it on AT&T's website techchannel.att.com/embed/index.cfm?mediaID=11053&w=560&h=315

Adventures in Dinosaur City (1991) ½
cant believe i never saw this as a kid who desperately wanted to have "mad scientist parents" & omri katz was the only relatable one of these types to me, mostly for MATINEE and EERIE INDIANA where he kinda plays a pubescent john a keel. i remember seeing the video box but as a dino kid i was hungry for stuff that treated them like serious, noble animals not cartoon farters and even as a kid could smell the desperate stench wafting off this stew of crap from the previous decade right down to the fake beetlejuice score that kept reminding me of TERROR TOONS. check out that slogan: "Long Before There Were Turtles, The World Was Ruled By Dinosaurs" just like how every pathetic leather-jacketed sega ad was like "Sonic? Mario? Zangief? Wussies.... They All Get Ate Up By HARRY HAMSTER....." (???). the whole flintstones trapped-in-the-tv/stay-tuned thing is such a confusing way to get these kids in the same movie with dinosaurs, like how the t.rex in tammy & the t.rex is a robot. i liked when omri katz said he hoped he'd see "hobbits, sandworms, captain nemo" instead. annoying, confusing, but tolerable. extra half-star for some post-apoc/hell comes to frogtown vibes and having an end credits rap with synth orchestra hits - a moonbeam version of this (not prehysteria) wouldve kicked ass After The Fox (1966)
not v funny but looks great, always something unsettling/demonic about peter sellers Agent for H.A.R.M. (1966)
"you think you cant get hurt here because this is america, apple pie and all that jazz? well my job is to keep apple pie on the table, and nobody cares how i do it!"

mild, mostly house- and beach-bound 60s spy... thriller? with the guy from jason takes manhattan who looks kinda like skip bayless, notable mostly for 1. starring ray dannis (buss it wide open for ray dannis) as goateed bolshevik "agent manson" 3 years before the tate-labianca murders (plus the mansonesque deathmaster himself, robert quarry) getting liquified by 2. a flesh-melting commie meteor fungus!

A.I. 187 (2019)
i knew this would be (ironically) dumb as shit but what am i gonna do, not watch a dumped-on-prime bomb with a title that looks like my name & a poster with lance henriksen doing the ?quieries? meme* *i.ytimg.com/vi/oaW1frpSSQQ/hqdefault.jpg

actually kinda love the ugly cd-rom screensaver unreality of this, like the techn-dreamscapes of DESPISER or THE AMAZING BULK crossed with RETURN TO ZORK & a greenscreened mtv movie awards parody sketch - it kinda works for board-room interiors but when theyre on a blurry pier at sunset its almost nauseating. honestly no clue what the whole fake-deep concept is about (i think its kinda like a shittier version of blumhouse's upgrade? the genius microchip is actually "i.c. 187"???) but mostly its business guys staring out of high-rise windows saying "i am become death, destroyer of worlds..." like something outta that last hellraiser movie ("....charles dickens..."). lotsa turgid dystopian stuff dumb guys think is smart, superficial, wiki-skimmed refs to the apollo program & manhattan project and a scene where somebody proves they have a 165 i.q. cuz they "just had a thesis published in TIME MAGAZINE" (???)

on the other hand, theres a part where lance henriksen says "freakin'..." & a cameo from MARC SINGER, who looks exactly like gary cole now - its pretty cool for a while til the 2nd half where all the interesting(-ish) philosophizing older actors get replaced with bland action twinks led by a boyish dweeb with a chinstrap who does the whole macgruber "guns are for the weak... guns are for the stupid..." thing: "i thought we were a think tank... guns arent for thinking..."! anyway this is really bad & also pretty watchable even tho it feels a.i./pd 187 minutes long so